to move or not to move...that is the question

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blackrose0607's avatar
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So a shitload has been going on in my life lately and I feel like I'm drowning in a tidal wave of bullshit.

I'm wondering whether to move out or not. People have been telling me for ages that my parents are overbearing assholes that have been ruining my life and well quite frankly up until recently the mere thought of even doing anything to combat them hasn't even grazed my mind. However, seeing a way out, I wonder if I have the balls to take it. I'd pretty much be totally disowned by my family and they've been all I've ever known, considering they've never allowed me to have a life outside their existence. But now I look back on my almost twenty years of life and wonder what the hell I've been doing with it. Sure I have a few good memories...mostly of my young childhood when life was simple or so it seems looking back. But y'know everybody seems to glamorize EVERYTHING they're not experiencing. Sure I can say "wow I long for the good old days" but even they weren't all that great....constantly fighting with my older brothers, wishing they would just move out and leave me the hell alone, always hearing my parents fighting and wondering if they would just leave or get divorced, always wishing I was older so I'd have the freedom of my brothers...but that never happened with age. And my parents try to scare the shit out of me about the future. "You'll never survive on your own. We're offering to pay for your college and give you a car and laser surgery for your eyes upon graduation and if you pass that up and move out now you'll be a poor lonely depressed bum on the streets and your whole life will amount to nothing and that trashy boyfriend of yours will leave you and even if he does stay with you, he'll never be able to provide for you because he's an old bum with no degree that barely scrapes by in life living paycheck to paycheck." But contrary to their beliefs, a lot of serious research has shown me that most jobs..even "crappy" jobs like waitressing or Blockbuster provide ALL insurances and 401K plans WITHOUT some stupid college degree. And with loans I could pay for all these things. Sure I'd spend the rest of my life paying them off, but that seems to be the majority nowadays. And maybe I wanna live life while I'm young and can before I become completely jaded and weathered by life...if I haven't already reached that point. Worry about the bills when I'm older instead of working my ass off and saving up to live it up when I'm old...if I have a nice 401K I can do that anyway! I'm scared shitless of life. I don't know anything about it or about myself, but the only way to conquer these fears and learn and move on instead of torturing myself, is to move out and risk everything. That's the way I see it now. And even if it doesn't work out with this guy, which hell with my luck it won't, I can always fend for myself and find someone else. That's one thing I learned...you always just keep living....keep moving on and getting by and learning and growing. I planned on just packing my bags and leaving but that seemed like a real dick move...especially in light of recent events such as my one grandpa being diagnosed with cancer, which I pray to God has dissappeared since his recent surgery and my other grandpa up and dying out of nowhere. My parents don't want me "causing them anymore grief". And me doing that certainly would. But I always care about other people more than myself, and it's about time I start living for numero uno or I'll never get anywhere and never be happy and never find myself. I'm just sick of everything and everyone. I need to kill the old self and start anew, from scratch, as if I was just born tomorrow instead of twenty years ago.

If you'd like to give any comments or advice...and not preachy bullshit either...then fine. Be my guest. But just keep in mind. It's my life, not yours, and I'll do what I want with it for once. Wish me luck on my perilous journey into the unknown...my new life....
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